Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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