Got a toothbrush?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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