You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
