Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
