Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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