Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
mondays should just be called national damage control day
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
