Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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