You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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