I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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