I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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