I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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