'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
