Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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