I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
