In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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