When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
