Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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