I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
