I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
