I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
