Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
