Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
