she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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