just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize