its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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