this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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