So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
