I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
