i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
