If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You were trust falling into bushes
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
