I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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