already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
