Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
The ass gains better be worth it
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