Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
do herpes really smell.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
