His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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