I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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