Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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