Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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