You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
