I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
