my soul wont recognize me after tonight
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
