Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
