it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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