I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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