All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
