His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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