Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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