you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
