i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize