I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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