I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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