mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize