He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
