Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
